If only life were as simple as picking an outfit...

Jen Grano by Ariana Clare _67Jen Grano by Ariana Clare _73Jen Grano by Ariana Clare _80 Jen Grano by Ariana Clare _70

 Cheeky Bean tank | Lucky jeans via Clothes Mentor | Francesca's earrings | wedges (old) similar and similar | H&M fringe bag

Sometimes I wish life was a simple as choosing an outfit. I've been putting this post off for over a week now and feel like I should just come clean to anyone who is reading. So here it is:  I struggle from depression. It comes and goes and is mostly kept in check by exercise and anti-anxiety meds, but this past week was a doozy for me. Several factors were at play, but the biggest one is that my husband and I made the tough decision to stop our pursuit of foster to adopt through our state's department of social services and start the long process of traditional adoption. And while I'm excited about this pursuit and believe we've made the right decision, it's been hard to digest. What was looking like a relatively short journey (at least to have a child placed with us, not necessarily one to adopt - I need to keep reminding myself of that) has now turned into another 12 to 18-month journey. Just the thought of waiting that long is exhausting to me. This isn't our first rodeo. We started trying for a baby about a year after we got married (eight years ago). We went through a multitude of failed fertility treatments, surgeries, blood draws every other day that made my arm look like a drug-user all while watching what seemed to be a endless stream of friends, family members, celebrities and every other woman in Target get pregnant. It was the toughest season of our lives. There were times I didn't think our marriage would make it. Thankfully, with our strong faith it did. After our last failed attempt, we thought we'd go directly to adoption but it just didn't feel right. It felt like yet another hoop to jump through. I couldn't get onboard mentally and neither could my husband. We agreed to keep trying for a few months until my birthday, then "call it." My birthday arrived with yet another "minus sign" on that stupid stick, so we called it. After many months of prayer, tears and finally truly giving it to God, we began to heal and gradually got to a place where we were actually at peace with it just being the two of us. Flash-forward to the Fall of 2014 when I began to feel like I wanted more. A lovely friend suggested I consider fostering and we decided this could be the perfect answer for us. As we continued to consider this, God changed both of our hearts again towards wanting a forever child. We decided to pursue foster to adopt, as this was an extremely cost-effective (basically free) option. We attended orientation in January of 2015 then began the wait for a Home Inspection and more classes. In yet another ironic twist of events, the very week we received our invitation to the classes, we decided the foster to adopt route was not for us. And again, I'm excited for the ultimate outcome of our new decision but the reality of waiting has set in. Anyone who has traveled this road knows it's a roller coaster of emotions. I'm definitely in the valley portion and struggling hard to get back to the peak. I know God is with us and will carry us through this next season, but it's just tough right now.

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